Fire Emblem: The Sword and the Shield
by Keiya Taiko
Summary: So, what DOES happen if you have a perverted hormone-driven tactician and a hot-headed swordswoman leading the group? Go figure! And you KNOW it's not gonna be pretty. LET'S GET IT ON!


**Fire Emblem: The Sword and the Shield**

by MetalKeiya

* * *

No, Fire Emblem is not mine. It's the property of the guys at Nintendo and Intelligent Systems. And Suikoden is owned by the really cool guys at Konami. It may not seem right now, but I will include Suikoden pieces here in the future. 

This fic is rated PG-13 not because of blood and violence(well, a BIT of violence), but because it contains VERY, VERY suggestive themes that are not suitable for itty bitty weetle children, those with the minds of itty bitty wittle children(those who still say "Ew!" at the mention of kissing), and those good ol' Bible peeps from the South. Any others who are not in that list, just get on with the story.

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**Chapter One: The Girl From the Plains**

"Oh, you're awake..."

Jacques' head was still hurting, especially at the back of the head. It felt like someone clubbed him. He tried to sit up an get acquainted to the immediate environment.

Wait a minute...

Someone DID club him. And took his lunch. And his money. And his special sugar-coated extra sweet peanut brittle he got from Bern.

"Ohhh... my head..." he fell back down, and he felt something soft hit his back, and something softer at the back of his head. He then felt something velvety soft and delicate caress his forehead. As his eyes focused, he jumped and sat up in bed at what he saw.

It was a young woman, who had dark hair and emerald eyes, holding a tray with a wet cloth and some water on a bowl. Her skin was like porcelain, and she had an angelic smile. His eyes moved down and gave a small gulp.

Her legs were fully exposed by the clothes she wore, Judging by the clothing, she was from Sacae. He always liked Sacaen girls, but she was just too good to be true!

"Did I just..." Jacques squinted his eyes. "... die and went to heaven? Are you... ang angel? Coz you look like one..."

The young woman laughed heartilly.

"Hmmm... my apologies, but this isn't heaven. It's just Sacae. Here, drink this..." she gave him a small cup full of water. "This will make you feel better. By the way, I am Lyn of the Lorca tribe."

"Thanks, um, Lyn..." Jacques said, drinking the water, and he felt himself calm down. He took a look around and found a well-maintained tent, filled with food and other stuff "Pretty nice place. Can anyone tell me how I ended up here?"

"Ah... I found you unconscious on the plains..." Lyn said calmly, setting the tray she was holding on the table and sat beside her. "Your head was bleeding, so I took the liberty of treating it."

He looked at a small mirror at the bedside, and saw his head all wrapped up in clean bandages.

He was a young man of 19 years of age, with short dark brown hair that seemed to just grow spiky and rise up for no reason when it was dry. He had gray eyes, and he was wearing a beige turtle-necked tunic over a dark green woolen coat, and trousers made of a coarse cloth. Well, he had clothes in his bag, which thankfully was there too, but he was rather fond of these three articles. And thankful, she didn't remove the black glove on his right hand. He didn't want it removed.

"Oh, um... you haven't told me your name yet."

Jacques snapped back to reality, and to the pretty girl that was beaside him. he began to blush madly, and it was for a good reason. Jacques wasn't really popular with the girls, because he spent most of his time studying.

"O-oh... my name is Jacques..." he said calmly. "You can call me that too."

"Hmm... Jacques?" Lyn said as she pressed a finger against her lips, which made Jacques blush even more, for she looked a lot more attractive to him in that sense. "That's a strange name..."

Jacques frowned. "Is that so...?"

"Wel, I think it sounds good." Lyn smiled, her hand resting on his lap.

It was then than heat erupted in Jacques and he felt his nose bleeding. "Excuse me..." He said this as he stopped the bleeding in his nose while turning away from her.

"What's wrong?" Lyn said, leaning close to him. He then turned quickly around, and the end result was that he whipped around so quickly that he knocked Lyn down, and she lay down on the bed with him on top of her. They were like that for a small while, until Jacques saw a vein form in Lyn's forehead.

Immediately, Lyn grabbed her sword as with a swift slash, she sent Jacques flying and hitting his head hard on the floor, his white bandages now red with blood, and his whole body aching. Suddenly, he felt a sword tip at his neck.

"YOU PERVERTED LECHER!" Lyn shouted, aiming his sword more at his neck. "I take care of you and this is how you pay me back? You dare violate my purity?"

"N-no, hey, it's not like that!" Jacques said, trying to get up and cluthcing his head. "P-Pleas don't hurt me! I didn't mean it..."

Suddenly, they heard noises from outside. There was the sound of some raunchy men laughing, and women crying out.

"Sounds like bandits..." Lyn said, and she grabbed the sword's sheath that was resting by the bedside.

"Wait, Lyn, I'm coming with you." Jacques said as he stood u, feeling a sudden headache, but he shook it off. "I can help you."

"Hmmm...? What weapon do you use? All I have here are Sacaen swords..." Lyn said, handing him a sword. Jacques shook his head.

"Nah, I'm what you call a military strategist. I solve problems using this." Jacques pointed to his temple. "I use my mind to find out the best ways to win, even if it's only two hundred solders against two thousand."

"Hm, I understand." Lyn nodded. "Well, I'll need you help, then. Guide my sword, Jacques."

"Sure, why not?"

* * *

"Hmmm... looks like there are only three of them." Jacques said, whispering softly.

Hidden atop a hill, and behind tall grass onlt a few meters away from Lyn's tent, they surveyed the small camp at the base. It was a group of three small gers(tents), and at the largest ger was a large blonde-haired ox about twice his size.

"Let me take them down. They seem easy enough to take care of." Lyn said, grasping her blade. She was about to get up when Jacques pulled on her hair and caused her to get dragged back down.

She when wheeled around and whacked his head with her sheathed blade, which made his white bandages red with blood.

"WHY IN THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT?" She whispered as she drew her blade and aimed it at his neck. Her eyes burned with pain and anger. "I am going to DECAPITATE YOU!"

"Hey, hey, easy, easy..." Jacques said, edging the blade from his neck with two fingers. "Don't be so quick on the draw right away, Lyn. That fat bandit over there has a Swordreaver."

"Swordreaver?" Lyn said, putting her blade down, but not unsheathing it.

"Jeez... Lyn, don't just do that" Jacques shook his head. "It's a very light axe. It also has slots for where to trap the blades of swords to break them. If you went with reckless abandon, it would have cleanly cut your head off, okay?"

When Lyn nodded, Jacques immediately answered her with his plan.

"Alright, then. We've got two of us, and three of them. And I don't even have a weapon. We'll have to lose those two henchmen of the large donkey with the blonde hair. After we do, I'll have you sick on that donkey, alright?"

"And just how do you think you can defeat two large, gigantic bandits?" Lyn said with a hint of sarcasm.

"Don't worry." Jacques said, waving a hand in fron of his face. "I happen to have a plan."

"Har Har Har!" one giant bandit was laughing over the wealth they have gotten from the small heap of huts they attacked. "We be livin' the good life!"

"Ye be sayin' the truth!" the other bandit said, taking large draughts fomr a massive gourd that held about ten gallons of mead, and looking away from his friend. "An' it's best if we don't give Batta anything..."

He wasn't quite done with what he was saying when he got hit in the head by a small stone. Of course his sudden reflex was to get up, grab his axe and began to look around for the assailant. When he found none, it didn't take a hard math problem for him to figure out who threw the stone.

"Ey, you!" he pointed at his bandit friend. "Why you be hittin' me? I did nuffin to ya!"

"Me?" the other bandit replied, tossing him another wine gourd. "Yeh must be drinkin' too much! Ye're imagining tings outta thin air!"

"Hmmm... maybe..." the bandit then accepted the gourd and walked a few feet away, turning away from his fmate, who turned away from him. Suddenly a stone hit the oher bandit, and he grabbed his axe and rushed towards his mate.

"HEY! I toldja I wuz not deh one who hit ya!" The bandit said, brandishing his axe. "AN' you hit me wit a damned stone!"

"Hit ya?" the other bandit said, waving his axe in front of the other's face. "Ya Hit ME first!"

"I din' hit ya, fool!"

"The it mus' be da win, den?"

"It be da wind! Like da thing I'mma knock outta you!"

"Oh, it's ON!"

The two bandits then charged at each other, and whe the tried to attack each other, it ended up in then whacking the other upside in the head with the blunt flat of their axe. As a result, both passed out on the ground fairly quickly.

"Well, whatdya know, it worked." Jacques said, wiping his hands on his shirt while grinning.

"Hmph, it's not a very honorable plan, but it worked." Lyn said, walking up next to him, viewing the two sleeping bandits.

"Well I figured that even though they have that huge size, they still have the brains of gorillas in here." Jacques tapped his temple again. "Once again, the super genius of the great tactician Jacques saves the day..."

He wasn't finished gloating over his victory when an axe fell down a dew inches from cutting his feet, which made him jump in surprise.

"Bah! Who dares to challenge Batta the Beast?" the man, the blonde-haired bandit said, swinging his axe around. "I'll take you on!"

"Fine." Lyn said, unsheathing her blade, preparing for attack. She lunged at Batta, and performed a thrust attack, which batta evaded quickly, contrary to his large frame and build. He then continued to parry her attacks with precise evasion, and Jacques could only look and drop his jaw to the floor at their performance.

Not to mention crop his jaw all the way to the floor while salivating like one of Pavlov's dogs after hearing a bell.

"L-Lyn's legs... so white and soft..." Jacques said, his eyes glazed with the vision of the girl's shapely figure. As hard it was, though, he found that Lyn was getting owned, and much more, getting onwed by an axe-user. it just so happened that axe-users wisened up and started using Swordreavers.

"HAHA! GIVE IT UP!" Batta bellowed, slashing at an amazing speed despite the fact that he was using quite a large axe, and this time, he grazed Lyn's shoulder.

Lyn then staggered backward, and fell back onto Jacques. Her arm was bleeding profusely, and Jacques knew that he had on choice for it. While she wasn't looking, he used his teeth to take the black glove he was wearing off his right hand, and a bluish white light glow emanated from his hand. He then gently held her wound, and as the light shone and blinded Batta from coming closer, Lyn's wound became unbroken skin.

But she was with her eyes closed, and she was twitching in annoyance, and Jacques found out why too late. His left hand was clasped firmly on her chest, and he was holding something... soft.

Lyn then suddenly exploded and threw Jacques towards a tree, where he hit his head HARD(again) and it began to bleed again. He saw fire and anger in Lyn's eyes, and she threw her blade away and ran towards Batta.

"I HATE IT WHEN A PERVERT GROPES ME IN MY TIMES OF WEAKNESS, AND THEN I GET BEATEN BY AN UGLY BOAR!" Lyn shouted out as she jumped on Batta. and then, she clawed, scratched, slapped, stomped and bit him fiercely, giving the gigantic man no room for recovery as she did her **ULTIMATE SUPER TRIPLE CRITICAL ATTACK!**(Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, A, B, A, B, Select, Start).

"WAAAAHH! NOOOO! I'M SORRYYYY! WAAAAHHHH! MOOOOOMMYYYYYY!"

"Heh..." Jacques was still biting onto the glove while he quickly used to cover his still shining right hand. His head was spinning, but he saw Lyn literally catfight-ing Batta, and he knew everything was alright.

So he just closed his eyes and went to sleep.

* * *

"Hey, wake up." 

Jacques blinked a bit and saw Lyn's worried face look down on him in the daylight.

"You're awake, finally." Lyn said. "You were asleep for a whole day. So, how are you feeling?"

"Like I'll throw up..." Jacques said, getting a really bad headache. he ssat up and foudn himself beside a fire with a pot and delicious food in it, and Lyn was beside him, as well as the ones who lives at the village they saved.

"Well, we have to thank the two of you for saving us." an old female villager said told them. "If you didn't, we would have been killed. Besides, the children woulnd't have new toys, thanks to Lyn here."

Whe Jacques looked around, he saw the two bandits were being ridden like horses by the younger children, while Batta was hung from a tree and being used as a pinata.

"Yeesh... I don't wanna get on your bad side..." he said as Lyn just gave a small smile.

"Elder, we would wish to stay, but we need to go now." Lyn said as she pulled Jacques up by the ear and yanked him to a standing position, causing him to yelp in pain. "if you'll excuse us..."

Halfway to Lyn's tent, she let go of Jacques' ear, and he clenched his fist and shouted at her.

"WHY THE **CENSORED** DID YOU DO THAT?" Jacques blurted out, wishing Lyn wasn't such a cute little girl so he could slug her. And slug her HARD.

"You're going, right?" Lyn said calmly. Her face fell.

"Hmm... going away? Yeah." Jacques said, nodding. "I'm looking for someone."

"Then take me with you." Lyn said, her eyes pleading. "I need an excuse to get out of here."

"Hmmm... I don't know. Don't you have a family to go to?" Jacques said, wondering why she turned gentle right now after she was just being sadistic a while ago. And he thinks he just struck a nerve, because Lyn was shaking and crying.

"My family... died a few months ago." Lyn said, trembling. "They were... killed by bandits."

"Hmmm... that explains why you hate them so much." Jacques said, smiling. "Alright. Let's leave tomorrow, OK?"

"Us?"

"Of course." Jacques said, scratching his head. "Unless you want to be left behind."

Lyn then nodded, tears still shining as she smiled. "Alright, let's go home."

But, as she turned her back and Jacques took the first step, he tripped on a rock and as his hands tried to grasp into something, and he held into something soft.

When he opened his eyes, her found he was kneeling, and he was holding onto...

Lyn's bottom.

"YOU **CENSORED** LECHER!" Lyn said as she did an uppercut that sent Jacques stright into ther air, leaving a trail of blood as he rocketed up.

"SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

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Notes:

Hm, it's been at least a year since I've written a fanfic. I've decided to go back in business with this one. Oh, well, if you don't know what I was talking about back there, here is info.

For those who haven't had a background in Psychology, Pavlov is the 1900's psychologist who demonstrated the famous **'Salivating Dogs'** experiment in 1907. This experiment consisted of Pavlov training and conditioning dogs to connect mealtime with the ringing of a bell, thus causing them to think that they would get food every time they hear a bell, and would cause them to excrete LARGE amounts of drool when the bell was ringed.

**Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, A, B, A, B Select, Start** is a variation of the **Universal Konami Code**(and this is made for the GBA, since FE is on the GBA). For the non-hardcore-gamer(HAHA to you guys!), the UKC is a special code known by the Konami gamers as THE CODE Konami COmputer Entertainment Company uses in almsot every game they made. Zone of the Enders, Silent Hill, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night and even the first Contra game on the NES had different variations of the UKC.

Well, there we go. My very first Fire Emblem fic. Feedback, people?


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